I struggled to speak in a group setting or in public because I was worried that people would think what I said was stupid and a complete waste of their time.
Once, I received feedback from my tutors in university saying that I was always quiet and hardly shared my thoughts and views (you wouldn’t think so now if you know me). You are probably thinking - why this was the case and what brought about the transformative change in me being able to speak my mind on UK National TV too.
Let's start with why I struggled. Growing up in an Asian culture with the mentality that you only spoke when you had something right, great, or important to say made it extremely challenging for me to speak my mind. It took me a lot of work to grow in this area. I learned to rewrite stories about my voice and my views. I learned that people want to hear me share my stories and my knowledge, and sometimes just silly stuff.
My heart no longer pounds crazy when I speak in groups or at important events that are filled with executives and professionals. I have come to love speaking in public so much and own my voice. You can tell from my most recent appearance on UK National TV. It was LIVE, and I owned the stage and stood my ground to share my views on parenting teenagers. I love every minute of it.
The journey from not having a voice to owning my voice was not an easy one but I grew over the years. One of the things that helped me speak my mind was when I needed to speak on behalf of the children and young people whom I was working with. They didn't have a voice and I was THEIR VOICE. I needed to be brave otherwise their voices would have never been heard by the people around them. Through being the voice, I found my own voice.
Now, you must be thinking what has it got to do with PARENTING!
Well, a lot.
You may remember I spoke about family scripts all the time and they are the beliefs instilled in you over the years from your family, and people around you that are driven by family, cultural, and societal values and expectations.
In my case (40+ years back), the Taiwanese culture and societal expectations and beliefs were that children could only speak when they were spoken to, children didn't have a voice, teachers were always right and you only spoke when you had something important to say and when you spoke, you made sure you say that right thing. My teachers, relatives, and my parents were brought up this way too because of the beliefs and values the older generation held. So their interaction and expectations of children would have been influenced by this.
My parents were self-made millionaires back then. When people think about rich families, they tend to assume that their children would have been spoilt. But, is it though? It can not be further away from the truth for me. My parents provided me with all the financial security, but I wasn't a spoiled or high-maintenance child. Why, because my parents' parenting practice was so heavily influenced by these Taiwanese beliefs and values in our culture. Money meant nothing compared to these contextual forces.
Circling back, your beliefs, values, lived experiences and family script influence your parenting practices, yet they are often overlooked. Think about what beliefs you carry about raising teenage children, think about your values, think about other contextual forces, such as your class, your education, your race, your ethnicity, your abilities as they all inform your parenting practice. Subsequently, they are all becoming your teenage children's beliefs and family scripts as they mature.
This is the work I do in my high proximity spaces (Heal Family First Method - restoring harmony in 90 days). This is why as little as one session with me, my family clients experience insane positive change at home immediately, like having better relationships at home with their partner or/and teenagers, effective management of behaviour, having dinner together, no kicking back from their teenage children when spending time together, knowing how to put boundaries in place with compliance from teenagers.
Next time, when you make a parenting decision, when you parent your teenage children, think about "what's informing you".
With that said, if you are struggling to help your teenagers who are struggling, you can jump into our Heal Family First Method: 5 day taster where you get to experience instant positive change at home using the TTP principles. Book here.
Pei-I