Yesterday I made an announcement in my Facebook Group that I am closing my group.
It took me some time to announce this in the group because I needed time to work through the emotional process.
I was feeling guilty.
I was feeling that I have let the parents down.
I was feeling incompetent and disappointed in myself.
I felt that I am losing something important to me, something I have worked hard to build and more.
It was really difficult to let go even I knew logically it’s the right thing to do.
You know why?
One of the reasons is MY EXPECTATION OF MYSELF that is making it hard for me to let go. (the other main reason is about attachment, you can listen to me talking about attachment here (https://on.soundcloud.com/LA8SF)
You are going through a similar process when parenting a teen, regardless if their behaviour is challenging or not.
Letting go and moving on are part of the parenting/family journey.
Your teen is growing up.
At the same time, both you and your teen are moving on to the next stage of the family life cycle.
The process brings up a lot of feelings that don’t get to be spoken about or acknowledged.
These feeling can be very crippling just like what they did with me when trying to close my FB group.
These feelings are partly driven by your EXPECTATIONS of yourself as a parent and your teen.
Checking in with yourself to see if the expectations of yourself and teen are realistic is important, because if they are not, you are running a risk of crushing yourself as a parent and teen.
You are also running a risk of your teen becoming increasingly challenging in their behaviour because of the pressure, yet withering inside as their confidence is being shattered by not meeting your expectations.
You are also running a risk of damaging your relationship with your teen because they can never feel good about themselves around you and that you can never see how well they do.
This is what helped me to work through my emotional process - readjusting the expectation of myself. What I set up for myself was unrealistic and crazy😂 Once I have readjusted this. It made the emotional process easier because they no longer held me hostage.
Are your expectations of yourself and teen realistic?
Now, let's talk about your teen who's struggling. It's important to remember that the only way your teen knows how to show you that they are struggling is to through their behaviour which you may find it challenging.
Here's what happened..
Before you teen was born, you already had all the ideas and expectations of how they would be, what kind of people they are, what types of the sports or musical instruments that you want them to play, which schools to go to....etc.
You built up this image of your future teen, and only came to learn that your teen is not what and who you think would be or is.
A lot of people will probably tell you that you are grieving for the loss - a phantasy teen.
Here's my perspective.
There is no loss here, based on experiences and observation, you can not grieve for something you have not had.
7 stage of grief including shock and denial, pain and guilt, anger and bargaining, depression, the upward turn, reconstruction and working through, and acceptance and hope according to Kübler-Ross.
I wonder if you have grieved for the million pound business that you wanted to make but not yet made it ??
Have you grieved for a very expensive LV bag that you didn't manage to purchase?
I trust the answer is no, Why? Because you never had it in the first place.
It's most likely that your feelings of disappointment, sadness, frustration, anger and guilt are the result of your EXPECTATIONS of yourself and teens are not being met.
You expected your teens to be well behaved - but they are not
you expected your teens to go to school everyday - but they skip school everyday
you expected you to have a good relationship with your teen - but it's far from that
you
When these expectations are not met, you experience similar feelings as loss. Your brain and the limbic system are tricking you.
It is a bit like a loyal fan who feels devastated when their most beloved celebrity walks pass them but never even says hi. What happens here is that they build up the phantasy that they have a relationship with them, and their emotional brain is saying you are upset. The fan expects the celebrity to behave in certain ways based on their phantasy, but the reality is - there is no genuine relationship between the fan and the celebrity. Once when the fan allows their logical brain to do its' job not driven by phantasy, they will quickly learn that there's nothing to be upset about and their expectation is unrealistic.
So how do you find the balance for reasonable and realistic expectations?
✅ Same principle, readjust your expectation of yourself and your teens in order to release you and them from the phantasy (how you think you teen will be, your imagination).
✅ Accept your teens for who they are. Their difficult or challenging behaviour is just a symptom not a cause. Find effective ways to help your teens to navigate the challenges and of course, with a realistic expectation going forward.
✅ Pay attention to your teen's feelings and what their facial expression, verbal communication is telling you about your expectations? If you feel that they are struggling with meeting your expectation. It will be a good time to re-evaluate them.
Having a realistic expectation really is another important key to break the cycle of your teen's challenging behaviour.
Warmly
Pei-I, Parenting and Teen challenging behaviour specialist @ Rainbow Parenting Practice
P.S. I empower high-achieving mums to help their troubled teens who get stuck in patterns of challenging behaviour with ease, success and have a harmonious family life in 90 days using TTP Method. The quickest, most effective and most impactful method to strengthen your family connections and change your family story.
Start with your Raising Thriving Teens 5 Day Mini Taste? Book here
Until then, Remember
🌈There’s always hope, endless hope