One of the challenges parents with teens face is their moodiness and at times outburst of anger - really high level of tantrums (shouting, screaming, swearing to throwing stuff, slamming doors, smashing things or hitting out It is understandable because your teen is going through the most important transition in life that is from the home environment to the outside world. It is really terrifying for them.
There are also the changes in physical appearance, hormones, their brains going through restructuring, stress and pressure in school, friendships...etc. No wonder they can feel a bit moody and angry sometimes.
There are definitely steps parents can take to help your teens manage and regulate their feelings. However, before I share my thoughts on this, we need to be able to acknowledge, regulate and process our feelings as parents first. Here are some steps to help you do just that.
1. What are some of the feelings that you have experienced today? (Naming and recognising our feelings)
2. What do you think are the reasons for you to feel this way?
3. What are some of the strategies you can use to process and regulate your feelings? (For example: Journaling, listening to music, quiet time etc)
4. Identify 1-2 people you can speak to about your feelings and tell them what you need from them (For example: to listen, to give you advice, to keep you company etc)
Now back to the teenagers, in general, it is always helpful to
1) name the feelings for our teenagers " you seem/look angry today".
2) be curious" I wonder what made you upset"
3) invitation for conversations " I'd like to hear about it if you would like to share".
4) help problem solve." we are angry at your friend for picking on you, let's think about what we can do". It is ok if your teen is not ready to tell you what's upsetting them. Just let them know that you are there for them and will be ready to listen when they are ready to share. Ultimately, you want to help your teen regulate their feelings so that they don't fly off the handle.
Spend some time with your teen thinking about strategies that will help them to regulate their feelings more effectively and appropriately (of course when they are not angry or moody). It is also helpful to have a feeling box for your teen or however your teen would like to call it. This works very well for teenagers (surprise surprise!).
What helps each teen is different, but some helpful things to have in the box includes having a stuffed toy in the box if your teen finds comfort in it, a book they love to read, a photo that makes them smile etc. Remember you can slowly build up this box with your teen over time. They will come up with wonderful ideas as time goes.
Next time, when you teen is having an angry tantrums, acknowledge their feelings, be curious, invite them for conversations, help them problem solve, and if they are not ready to talk and are angry - encourage them to use their strategies or feeling box to help them regulate their angry feeling.
You can also check out our "How to stop your teen's angry and aggressive outbursts" Masterclass here to get a more in depths insights into teen aggression and how you can use Heal Family First Method: Thriving Together Parenting Method to manage teen aggression effectively at home.
Pei-I