Many of us struggle with self confidence and have low self-esteem, including your teens.
There are many contributing factors as to why your teens' behaviour is challenging ( again this is for another post), one thing we can be certain is that your teen is probably struggling with their self-confidence and esteem.
Now picturing this going through their minds.
Why am I different from my friends?
My parents are arguing because of me, I am the problem
I don't understand anything the Maths teacher was saying in class. I must be stupid.
I can't do anything right because I keep failing.
I am useless because my parents keep telling me that through their behaviour and words.
Can you imagine how challenging it is for your teen to be able to feel good about themselves? It is why building self esteem in your teenager is so important.
When one doesn't feel good about themselves, it creates an emotional injury, and everything just spirals from there.
Speaking from my own experiences, growing up in an Asian culture, receiving and giving praises is an alien concept for me. This is because Asian parents believe in "tough love" and that praises are only worthy of giving when your children achieve excellence in everything.
Whilst this helps teens to do better as essentially they all want to please their parents, the flip side of this is that teens will eventually struggle to recognise their own strengths and subsequently affecting their self-esteem as nothing is ever good enough. It is also more likely that they will end up being a perfectionist which can lead them to feeling crushed when making a mistake or falling short of perfection.
I ended up being a perfectionist, and always aimed to strive for excellence. I struggled to see my strengths unless it's 200 percent perfect. I never felt good enough and it was crippling my life, my relationships with others, it also led me to some really bad decision around romantic relationships because I thought that was what I deserved and could have in a relationship.
Wrong.. so wrong...
I had to relearn, build self love, re-programme, reframe, and re-strengthen my core and my self-esteem. It was a heck of a journey. A journey that you could help avoid for your teens.
Learn to praise your teens. Praises make your teens feel good about themselves and about what they achieve. It also communicates your feelings of being proud and expectations of your teens in a really explicit and expressive way. It is a positive way to strengthen their self esteem and promote desirable behaviour in your teens.
If your teen is aggressive and takes 30 minutes to calm down, the next time it takes 29 minutes, you want to tell your teen that they did well by managing it better. This is a powerful and impactful strategy. It serves as a motivator and in the end of the day, your teens just want to hear from you what they are doing well and that you are proud of them.
You can also praise for efforts in addition to their behaviour. This will motivate your teens and they are more likely to try harder next time.
Now you may wonder how and when do you praise your teens. For some parents, it come natural and easy, and for others, a little practice would go a long way.
When: basic principle is when you like what you see or hear what your teens do and say, praise them.
How: Make sure it's genuine and specific. Don't exaggerate because your teens may not believe you.
Some helpful Scripts:
It was kind of you to help your younger brother.
I am so proud of you and the efforts you put in as I know how hard that was.
Wow, you have just tided up your room all by yourself. You should be proud.
Continue to praise your teens on the daily basis as these will accumulate and help your teen build their self esteem in the long run.
You can also download my free resources " Parents Scripts Done for You - building your teen's self-esteem" here
Until then, Remember
🌈There’s always hope, endless hope
Pei-I
P.S. I help high-achieving mums help their troubled teens break out the cycles of negative behaviour with ease, and success and have a harmonious family life in 90 days using the TTP Method -the quickest, most effective and most impactful method to strengthen your family connections, change your family story and watch your teen thrive.
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