I have been writing about the challenges of managing difficult teenager behaviour and how they are misunderstood, Your Unique Family Blueprint, Your Thriving Together Family Behavioural Map (TTFBP) and PEII Blueprint in the TTP Method. In this article, I will show you how everything unravels in the 90 days when we work together as if you are watching a film.
But before I start, I would like to introduce you to the White Family (pseudonym to protect my clients’ confidentiality) and share their story with you.
When I first met mum Irene, she was a successful solicitor. She dressed, and spoke well. There was a sophistication around her. I could see that from the outside, she’s got it all together. However, having worked with so many families, I also had an idea what her struggles would have been.
The story started to unravel when I asked Irene how she was. She looked at me and bursted into tears. She said she hadn’t been sleeping well because she was constantly worried about Ben - her now 15 year old son and her relationship with David, her husband of 20 years.
“Ben used to be a lovely boy. He was kind and caring although a handful sometimes. We have always been close but the teenage years have been depressing and difficult for me. I am trying to embrace the independence he needs but it is really hard. Sometimes I feel so angry about how he completely disregards my feelings and pushes me to my limits. I don’t know what normal teenage behaviour is and what ADHD really means for him and our family.
I have always felt Ben’s behaviour is different since he was a wee boy, but no one would listen to me. They said I overthink too much. David and I managed and did our best although it was difficult sometimes. We still had a lot of fun. But since Ben went to secondary school, life has been tough. It has been one bad thing after another. First Ben was bullied in school. He was terrified of going to school. We tried to help him to feel safe and enjoy school, but nothing was working. My heart was broken for Ben. He eventually stopped going and spent a lot of time on his PS4. He turned night into days. We tried to get him to bed on time, cut off his internet, remove his PS4, but it just made Ben really aggressive and violent.
He threw things at us, hit David, smashed the TV and I don’t know how much money we have spent on repairing things in the house. Once he went to the kitchen and got a knife to threaten us when we took his PS4 away. I was terrified. I am embarrassed that I am not able to control my son’s behaviour. We didn't know what to do and gave up eventually because we didn't want anyone to get hurt.
I am feeling anxious from the moment I wake up and till the moment I fall asleep. Going to work has been hard because I have to put up a brave face everyday. I am ashamed deep down.
We will have some peace and quiet when we don't challenge Ben about his online gaming. But David and I are struggling. We argue everyday about what to do with Ben. It is destroying our marriage. Just as you think that things won’t get worse, we found Ben cutting himself and cannabis in Ben’s bedroom. David was really angry and wanted to throw Ben out because we just couldn’t cope anymore. I feel that it is all my fault that Ben is like this.
I feel like I am walking on eggshells everyday as I don’t know how Ben would behave on a day to day basis. There is not one day he doesn’t kick off or do things that worry me. I am exhausted and unhappy. I really didn’t know how to go on.
My relationship with David has been put through the reel over the years. We don’t know how to come back to the harmonious and loving relationship we once had. David is a medical professional so he is always busy working in the hospital. A lot of parenting responsibilities are left to me, but at the same time I also feel very blamed by David for Ben’s behaviour. We are at a breaking point and I don’t know how to get my family back. I am resentful towards David for not being around more often, and David is angry at me for failing Ben and the family.
It is all my fault but no one understands how much I have done for the family.”There was a lot of pain, disharmony and stress. The situation at home affected everyone’s mental health and the relationships at home were non-existing. Very often they felt hopeless and unable to move forward.
Under the circumstances, they had literally tried everything any parent would have done. They have sought help through every possible means they know, including
asked for support from the school, support was limited due to lack of resources.
had Ben assessed and was diagnosed with ADHD but there was no practical parenting support for the family
read all the parenting books she could get her hands on
attended parenting programmes
arranged therapy sessions for Ben
attended marriage counselling that didn’t work out for them
sent Ben away to her family but he knew his way back
But NOTHING WORKED. Irene said that sometimes the help was counterproductive and made things worse at home for the family. She felt that she had failed Ben. She felt guilty and was tormented between leaving and staying.
SHE STAYED. She wanted her family back to how it was. She wanted Ben to be happy, to do well in school, to enjoy good friendships and feel good about himself knowing that he can live to his full potential. She wanted to rekindle her relationship with David and be able to parent and help Ben as a united couple.
When we started working together, we spent the first two weeks helping the family and myself better understand their unique family blueprint. We explored their family of origin, their experiences as children growing up, their emotional involvement, past and present relationships, their beliefs/values, their interests and hobbies, their resilience, their pain and hurt, their vulnerabilities, their lived experiences and their strengths.
There were so many lightbulb moments for Irene and David but most importantly, they came to understand the need to be more aware of themselves, and learn about the factors and the link between current and past experiences that influence their parenting and their relationship from a both positive and challenging lens.
We then developed the Thriving Together Family Behavioural Map (TTFBM) to help us understand the driving factors for the challenges at home. For Irene’s family, it’s about Ben’s behaviour, parents’ relationship with each other and as a whole family. The TTFBP a detailed analysis of the family interaction and behaviour.
Have you ever seen the Netflix Series “The good doctor”. Shaun was an autistic doctor and whilst he’s facing the challenges of being socially competent, he had this amazing mind map of human body structure. He brought up the mind map when he tried to analyse the data and process the information to find out what the patient's illness was, what was working well in each organ and how they could work together to treat the illness effectively. His mind always honed down or zoomed in to the most critical part of the organ that he needed to treat first and often when he treated the critical part, the rest of challenges and recovery would just fall into its place. Shaun was the best trainee surgeon in the hospital and his expert skills and excellence exceeded other consultant surgeons in the hospital.
Why am I telling you Shaun’s story? It is because Shaun and I shared the same superpower. We can get to the heart of the matter to eradicate challenges and facilitate positive change with strengths and healing with precision and with immediate impact. In other words, it is about having a systemic view and understanding of the challenges you are facing, and of the strengths and power your family holds.
The TTFBP part of work with the family is exactly like this. We are looking for the critical driving forces that keep the challenges going at home so that we can develop strategies and intervention to address them. Through this process, Irene and David learned that one of the critical driving forces - their difficult relationship with each other was what resulted in Ben's increasingly difficult behaviour over the years and the disharmony at home. Before we went on to address Ben’s behaviour, we needed to make sure that David and Irene were in a good place as a couple.
Now you must be curious about what we did to improve their relationship. A lot of other professionals would probably ask Irene and David to go for couple counselling or ask them to park their relationship challenges aside and focus on Ben because he was really struggling. I could only see parents drifting even apart and Ben’s behaviour continued to escalate if we went down this route. Ben would probably be extremely angry, feel blamed and scapegoated because it’s very likely that he would be thinking “ it’s all my fault that my family is like this or they also think it’s my fault and that’s why I was the focus and I was the one that needed to change”.
What we did was simply asking Irene and David to acknowledge Ben’s feelings and how hard it must have been for him over the years, and now mum and dad are working hard together to change things and make things better at home for him and for everyone. One simple conversation that held Ben whilst Irene and David worked on their relationship.
Now back to what we did to improve Irene and David’s relationship. 3 simple steps underpinned by PEII Blueprint that Irene and David prioritised. 1 simple strategy at a time to bring immediate change in the family.
Step 1: Establishing clear roles and responsibilities at home - this means that David will need to be more involved in everything at home, and Irene to give herself the permission to step back and embrace David’s support. ( Improving family functioning)
Step 2: Spending quality time together - now Irene and David didn’t need to argue about who does what and when in the family, they scheduled date night every week to reconnect with each other. (Improving family relationship)
Step 3: Showing appreciation - before they went to bed, they would share their appreciation and gratitude towards each other. (Improving family relationship)
In less than 4 weeks, Irene and David were in the best place they had been in 4 years. No counselling required because they knew what they needed to focus on and they learned how to address the parts that were bleeding. Their relationship grew stronger from this moment. This helps them to be a good co-parenting team. This also helped us continue to work on their relationships whilst addressing Ben’s behaviour.
During our time together…
The family had an abundance of tailor-made tools and strategies they can tap into.
We carefully looked at all the presenting difficult behaviour, set about looking at all the contributing factors to the behaviour and then worked on strategies to change it and for the family to allow Irene and David together to take control back.
Always 1 strategy at a time and do it well.
Parents texted me outside of our coaching time to seek real time support to bound ideas, to help manage challenges, to celebrate success and sometimes just to talk as we are all in this together.
We focused on the strengths so that parents feel empowered and " Can do"
We were all in 200 % and Irene and David can really lean in to me for support no matter how small or big the challenges are.
Irene and David learned that they are the experts for their family and they learned how to make strategies work for them based on their unique family blueprint so that they can do this for themselves all the time and when I am not around.
The simplest way to describe this is Irene and David felt like I was living with them (LOL) that I came to know their family so well.
When we said goodbye, the family was doing really well and restored the harmony they once had.
“ Through unhurried, none-judgemental, clear, patient direction enabled us, through discussion and role playing, to take back our role as parents, and most important, working together. We were taught how to manage difficult behaviour. We could see how our previous strategies often made situations worse.
Using a carefully constructed set of rules, rewards and consequences specific to Ben, along with other helpful strategies specifically targeting my family’s needs and situations, we gradually began to see Ben’s behaviour change. He became happier and more settled.
We also realised how important it is for us to be available for Ben emotionally and listen to him. I can’t believe that Ben now would give me a hug and tell me things. I feel close with Ben again. As a mother, I can not be happier.
The whole process was unhurried. There was always a clear direction set out for us. The endless encouragement and non-judgemental approach gave us hope and belief in ourselves to facilitate the change in our son and our family.
Pei-I taught us how to use the TTP method as a template to tackle other challenges that might lie ahead as he naturally matures and changes with age.
We made use of the whatsapp support particularly early on when we were instigating change and it was enormously helpful to have someone on the end of the phone who knew our family and what we were trying to do. The reassuring voice on the end of the phone enabled us to defuse several situations and restore calm.
Pei-I also worked individually with myself and David where different issues pertained to each of us and that was very helpful. David and I now can communicate better, problem solve better, co-parent better and most importantly, we now also get on better and really enjoy each other’s company.
We feel hugely lucky to have had this opportunity and have seen enormous changes in our son and in our family dynamics.
We know we still have work to do and that supporting and nurturing our son into adulthood will still throw up challenges and difficulties but as parents we feel Pei-I has given us a set of powerful tools to work to resolve situations in a positive way for our son and family.
As parents we are hugely grateful to the highly professional and compassionate Pei-I.”This is the powerful impact of my TTP method, imagine how your life can be different after 90 days.
Are you ready to learn how to complete your own TTFBP and make all parenting strategies work for your family?
You can jump into our Heal Family First Method: 5 day taster where you get to experience instant positive change at home using the TTP principles. Book here.
Until then,
Remember
🌈There’s always hope, endless hope
Pei-I