Parenting is challenging in itself. It becomes even more complicated by having to parent with another person.
I have seen a lot of couples growing apart to the point of family breaking down because of this very reason. They all want to find the strategies to help their teens, but they struggle to understand and support each other's approaches, beliefs and values. What this creates is additional stress and pressure on your teens who are already struggling, watching their parents argue or struggle in their very eyes.
So why is co-parenting challenging?
Each of us has our own ideas/expectations of what parenting is, that are largely based on our own experiences of being parented. We have our own parenting styles. We carry our own family scripts and beliefs from our original family and experiences of life circumstances, i.e., if you are taught to value education by your parents, then it’s more likely you would teach your children/teens of the same value. How you instil this value to your children/teens is another layer of challenge. Let’s think about what if your partner doesn't
come from a family that value education and have different plans/expectations of your teens?
Your beliefs, values and expectations are really powerful imprinted scripts and drivers that determine how you parent. If you are able to communicate well about your intention then it makes co-parenting so much easier.
For example, if you struggle to discipline your teens when they break a family rule, you will want to tell your partner that you struggle with this because you were never brought up this way, and you feel bad about grounding them so then it's easier for you to give in. You need support to be able to follow this through. When you do nothing, it is when conflicts, frustration and resentment come in to your relationship.
Sadly, from my observation parents don't always able to communicate well. I have seen so many parents argue over their teens' school, friendships, social media use, engagement with family and pro-social activities, gaming, their relationships with their teens, academic performance, anti-social behaviour in the community, their teens' vulnerability i.e. self- harming, depression, anxieties, and their diagnosis ADHD, autism, OCD and so on.
Their intentions are always the same - they want to help theirs teens who's struggling so much to be happy and thrive. However, their noble intent are often lost in the accumulated overwhelming feelings.
Now, we can see how ineffectual co-parenting can actually break a couple and a family if you constantly have to argue about the best approach and strategies to parent your teens.
If you are in this place, I'd like to share 3 simple universal strategies to help you to co-parent better so that you can parent and help your teens with the stuff they are struggling with more effectively. Co-parenting more effectively is the 1st step.
Here are the 3 simple strategies.
1st strategy is the ability to “Pause”. Hit that Pause button requires self-discipline, ability to recognize your feelings and recognise an argument is potentially brewing. When we are emotionally charged, it’s less likely that we will have the capacity to communicate our feelings and thoughts constructively.
We all have the experiences of saying things we don’t mean when we are angry and end up hurting each other. We want to start practicing “pausing” before we even get there. So, when you sense that you or your partner are getting worked up during a conversation, hit the “Pause” button and tell each other that pausing is needed. Come back to discuss matters when you are both in a calmer state of mind.
2nd strategy is to appreciate your partner in all aspects. We as human beings have the tendency to find faults in others and it’s our critical-self stepping out of boundaries. We need to learn to reign this in and focus on the efforts, attitudes, time and energy that our partner gives and learns to appreciate them. Co-parenting is much better and easier when we are able to focus on each other’s strengths.
3rd strategy to strengthen your relationship with your partner. Having a better relationship with each other makes it easier to communicate and compromise because we are more likely to care about each other’s feelings and appreciate their opinions. We are also more likely to listen and respect their views. When you are constantly arguing, bitterness, anger and resentment grow in our hearts. It makes us angry. It creates rupture in our relationships without being acknowledged and worked through.
Here's an exercise that you can try with your partner.
1. Find out what your warning signs are (when you are starting to feel angry or upset), and do the same for your partner. When you see any warning signs, Pause!!! Regroup when you both are feeling more settled.
2. Express appreciation at least once a day to your partner.
Script: Thank you for backing me up today, I appreciate your support
Script: I know it was a difficult conversation you had with our son today, I want you to know that you did all that amazingly by yourself. Thank you for doing that.
3. Devote your complete attention to having a pleasant conversation with your partner at least once a day; spend some quality time together, go on a date night, keep intimacy alive, having fun together…etc.
The exercises here are some simple ways to try out for immediate results. Every couple and family are different, find your appreciation for your person. Find your ways to strengthen your relationship, and practice to pause whenever wherever you can. Invite your partner to join you on this journey and transform the ways you parent together.
until then
🌈 There's always hope, endless hope.
Warmly
Pei-I, Parenting and Teen challenging behaviour specialist @ Rainbow Parenting Practice
P.S. I empower high-achieving mums to help their troubled teens who get stuck in patterns of challenging behaviour with ease, success and have a harmonious family life in 90 days using TTP Method. The quickest, most effective and most impactful method to strengthen your family connections and change your family story.
Start with your Raising Thriving Teens 5 Day Mini Taste? Book here
Until then, Remember
🌈There’s always hope, endless hope