It goes without saying that anyone .
can be the victims of domestic violence
experience trauma
be brought up by abusive parents
have a horrendous childhood
can be subjected to abuse and neglect
can struggle with mental health challenges
regardless of your class or status….
Jane, the judge, was in an abusive relationship for years.
Mike, the doctor, was emotionally abused by his parents.
Larnn, the solicitor, was neglected by her parents and accommodated at a young age.
John, the global director of a prestigious company, struggled with mental health difficulties.
(It’s important to note that these are all pseudonyms and minor information is changed to make sure the families are not identifiable)
You may be a very successful and high esteemed professional parent on the outside. The world looks at you with respect, admiration and envy because it looks as if you have got everything figured out.
Your social feed is full of proud moments and fun. You are showing the world how successful you are, or how much money you make.
But inside you are hurting, you lack confidence in yourself, you compare yourself with other parents, and you and your other half constantly argue about how you parent your teenage children. You feel blamed by everyone in the family and you feel that no matter what you do nothing is good enough for your teenage children. They continue to rebel, to act out in their behaviour, and they continue to set themselves on the path of a worrying future.
You are hurting badly. You don’t know where to turn as you are worried about judgment from the world. You are worried about what others will say about you when you already have a loud voice in your head telling you you are not good enough.
I feel your pain as I have struggled with similar feelings and thoughts. When I feel like this, I turn into someone I trust with my life (not just anyone) so that I know my most vulnerable feelings are safe. Knowing that I can be held, and supported gives me the most reassuring comfort I need to ground myself.
It hasn’t always been easy, and it takes a lot of courage to allow myself to be vulnerable and be able to trust as a result of my series of unfortunate relationship challenges in the past. I was withering inside - so much pain and so much hurt. I turned to the one person that I would give out my life for - my dad. He helped me find strength, find healing, and help me navigate through the darkest moments of my life.
He is not a therapist, and he doesn’t know anything about psychology. He is being a dad - he holds my emotions, he doesn’t judge, he carries me when I can’ and he makes me feel safe. Now, I have another safe person - my husband.
It shows that no matter how successful you are as a professional parent, you have stories that make you who you are today. We all have untold and untellable stories. You don’t need to tell the world about them.
What you need is a professional who you can trust, who can hold you and your vulnerable feelings whilst supporting you to navigate the challenges at home with your teenage children’s behaviour.
When you parent your teenager, your younger self comes out, your experiences of being parented come out, your stories, your family scripts emerge, and your experiences and memories of life adversaries show themselves now and then.
These factors all influence your parenting, your responses to your teenage children, any of your parenting decisions and more.
This is the very reason why I place so much emphasis on the family’s unique blueprint. Without knowing this part and you feeling held emotionally, no parenting strategies will work.
It’s important for you to feel safe so that you can emotionally connect with yourself, learn about yourself, heal yourself, and challenge unhelpful beliefs and others where necessary.
Don’t struggle alone and find that professional who you can trust, who can hold your emotions, help you navigate the challenges, and find healing for yourself and your family.
It is only when you feel safe, that you will have the capacity to help your teenagers who are struggling.
Take action now to find ways to help you feel safe emotionally.
Warmly
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