So far, I have shared that working with a parenting and teen behaviour specialist can help boost your confidence and skills as a parent, and offer you the support and reassurance you need when navigating the difficult journey (read here) and helping you seeing the unseen.
There is no Parenting Manual for parenting teens with complex and difficult behaviour. Navigating your complex teenager’s world feels like flying blind without a compass. The truth is there’s no one-size-fits-all parenting manual, especially for unique challenges.
But it doesn’t mean you can’t write your own Parenting Manual.
You CAN become the author of your own, not just for you, but for your teenage children’s future because they learn how to parent their future children through their experiences of you.
Before we dive in to look at what family scripts are and how a parenting specialist can help you help your teens. Let’s think about the ripple effect when you don’t seek help with your struggles at home with your teen’s behaviour, their mental health or any other concerning challenges.
The connection you share with your teenager will continue to feel strained. The stress of facing challenges alone can make it difficult to connect authentically, leaving both of you feeling isolated and misunderstood.
The coping mechanisms you use, both healthy and unhealthy, become their blueprint. Unprocessed stress and unresolved challenges can lead to coping mechanisms that your teenage children might unknowingly adopt, carrying into their own future.
The struggles you face today could become a cycle that repeats. When challenges go unaddressed, they can become patterns that get passed down unintentionally. Everything you do, don’t do, says or doesn’t say matter to your teenage children. It forms part of their parenting blueprint for the future. Now you think, what about the other parts? Read on please..
What is Family script and How is it developed?
John Byng Hall (1995) defiend the family’s shared expectations of how family roles are to be performed within various contexts. They are repeat patterns of behaviour. They are invisible blueprints passed down through generations, shaping how you view yourself, your relationships, and how you parent.
These scripts often formed subconsciously from past experiences and expectations, can help provide asense of belonging and tradition. But sometimes, they can become outdated or even harmful, creating unhealthy patterns that repeat without you being aware of it.
In addition to your past experiences of being parented, the wider context also influences your family script significantly (See Diagram below), which is often overlooked. Here are some examples of my own family script to help illustrate how wider context influences are so influential. Growing up in Taiwan back in my era, I observed how my mum looked after the whole family whilst juggling her business. She did it so well and so effortlessly. This became my script of a female role in the family. My whole family became Christians 30 years ago, and our faith has becomeour guiding principle when it comes to raising children in our family.
What are the types of family script:
Replicative Script – each parent has scenarios from childhood that keep repeating, often without your awareness.
Corrective Script – Some childhood experiences may have been uncomfortable, and parents may attempt to avoid these with their own children.
Improvising Script – improvised, and influenced by observing others.
Blended Script - When two adults come together in a relationship, they each bring their own script which must be blended if there is to be a harmonious relationship
How can family script affect your parenting?
Wider Context influences:
Culture: Expectations and values around child-rearing vary greatly across cultures.
Faith: Religious beliefs can significantly impact parenting practices. Specific rituals, dietary restrictions, and moral codes might be passed down through generations, shaping how families interact and communicate.
Socioeconomic Class: Families with limited resources might prioritize practical skills and survival. Families with greater resources might have more time for extracurricular activities and emotional exploration.
Education: Parents with different educational experiences may prioritise various aspects of development.
Family Context influences:
Blind spots: You might unknowingly perpetuate unhealthy patterns from your own past experiences or/and having unhelpful beliefs driving your parenting practice,
Being mindful of your family script can empower you to break free from negative patterns and create a more positive parenting experience.
Here are some ways to become more aware:
Reflect on your childhood: Think about recurring themes and dynamics in your family. What worked? What didn't? Don't dwell on the past as it's not what this exercise is about.
Think about what influences your parenting : what are your thoughts, feelings and the influence of past experiences and wider context?
Talk to your family: Discuss family dynamics and script with older relatives or siblings. Gaining different perspectives can be insightful.
Practise Self-reflexivity – that is being curious about your own curiosity, feelings, meanings, and actions. Consider where they are coming from and how they drive your behaviour and interaction with your family. Most importantly, how they influence your parenting practice. It's important for you to be able to answer this question - why do you do what you do as parent.
Seek professional guidance: As a parenting specialist, I can help you explore your scripts and rewrite them where necessary.
Recognising and rewriting family scripts is a journey, not a destination. Be patient with yourself and celebrate your progress, however small. By becoming more aware, you can break free from old patterns and create a more connected, authentic relationships with your teenage children, and yourself.
Most importantly, you can make empowered parenting decision, feel confident in your parenting decision that can positively impact on Your teenage children's Development and rewrite your family story for Future Generations.
If you're ready to embark on this journey of discovery, reach out today and let's work together to unlock the hidden story and build a brighter future for you and your teenager.
Find out more information here.
Until then,
Remember, 🌈there's always hope, endless hope
Pei-I, Parenting and Teen behaviour Specialist @ Rainbow Parenting Practice
P.S. Want to learn more?
Explore John Byng-Hall's work on family script, including his book "Rewriting Family Scripts: Improvisation and Systems Change.
Online resource - Family Scripts
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