Imagine this: Your teenager, the child you’ve raised with love and care, has a “list.” It’s not a list of dreams or goals, but a record of moments when they’ve felt unheard, unseen, or misunderstood.
Every time a promise was broken, every time their feelings were dismissed, every time they felt judged or invalidated, a new line was added to that invisible list.
As a parent, this realisation might feel like a punch to the gut. You’ve done everything you can to support and guide them—how could they feel this way? But here’s the truth: the list isn’t about blame. It’s a signal. A cry for connection and understanding.
What if I told you that this list, daunting as it seems, is actually an opportunity to rebuild trust and repair your relationship with your teen? In this blog, we’ll explore what the list is, why it matters, and how you can turn it into a tool for healing and connection.
What Might Be on the List?
Times when their feelings were dismissed: “You’re just being dramatic.”
Moments when promises weren’t kept: “You said you’d come to my game, but you didn’t.”
Situations where they felt judged: “You’re always criticising me.”
Experiences of being compared to others: “Why can’t you be more like your sibling?”
Teens don’t create this list to hold grudges. They’re not trying to make you feel bad. The list exists because they’re trying to understand their world, their place in it and with the hope that you can understand their experiences of you and their world.
This list is their way of saying.:
I need you to see me, hear me, and understand me.
I need you to think about me when you make decisions that affect my life.
I need you to apologise for the mistakes you have made.
I need you to stop doing things that may hurt my feelings.
The list is more than just a record. It’s a mirror reflecting the emotional cracks in your relationship with your teen. Ignoring it doesn’t make it go away—it deepens the disconnect.
The Impact on Family Dynamics
Emotional Distance: The longer the list grows, the harder it becomes for your teen to open up.
Increased Tension: Resentments fester, leading to more arguments and misunderstandings.
Cycles of Conflict: Without addressing the root causes, the same issues repeat, leaving everyone frustrated and exhausted.
Long-Term Consequences
If left unaddressed, the list can shape your teen’s beliefs about relationships and self-worth. They may carry these feelings of disconnection into adulthood, affecting their ability to form healthy bonds.
But here’s the hopeful part: the list can also be a roadmap. It shows you where the cracks are and gives you the opportunity to repair them.
How to Address the List Without Blame
When your teen’s list comes to light, your first instinct might be to defend yourself or explain why things happened the way they did. Resist that urge. Addressing the list isn’t about assigning blame—it’s about building bridges.
Strategies for Rebuilding Trust and Connection
Listen Without Defensiveness or But: When your teen shares something from their list, listen fully before responding. Say: “I didn’t realise you felt that way. I’m sorry.” Avoid: “That’s not what happened,” or “You’re overreacting.”
Acknowledge and Apologise: A sincere apology can go a long way. Example: “I’m sorry I wasn’t there when you needed me. I want to do better.”
Create Safe Spaces for Dialogue: Set aside time for regular check-ins where your teen can share their thoughts and feelings without fear of judgment.
Model Vulnerability: Share your own feelings and experiences to show that it’s okay to be open. Example: “I felt overwhelmed too when I was your age. Let’s figure this out together.”
Turning the List Into an Opportunity for Growth and Connection
The list isn’t just a record of the past—it’s a guide to what your teen needs from you now.
Change doesn’t happen overnight. Show up for your teen consistently to rebuild trust over time.
I once worked with a family where the teen has 2 pages of long list about what their parents did wrong ( can you imagine?) but through the Finding Harmony programme using TTP Method, the parents learned how to address the list. Over time, the arguments decreased, their teen's behaviour and family relationship improved, and the family began having open, honest conversations.
Your teen’s list isn’t the problem—it’s the key to creating the connection and harmony your family deserves. This journey isn’t about perfection; it’s about progress. And with the right tools and support, transformation is possible.
Are you ready to turn your teen’s list into a roadmap for connection? Learn how the Finding Harmony programme can help your family thrive.
or joining the 5 day Parent-Teen reset to have a taste of what it can feel like to connect and have a nice conversation with your teenager just like when they were younger...
There's always hope, endless hope.
Pei-I