I have been writing about the challenges of managing difficult teenager behaviour, how teens are simply misunderstood, Your Unique Family Blueprint and your Thriving Together Family Behavioural Map (TTFBP). In this article, I will address the other important element in my TTP method - PEII Blueprint and how this can help address difficult family problems.
As you all know that my name is Pei-I, and throughout my professional life, I have been working really hard to find the most effective and impactful way to help parents help their troubled teens who get stuck in patterns of challenging behaviour with ease and success. I found this important element in my name PEI-I. I even trademarked PEII Blueprint. It is a framework that incorporates some family therapy elements to allow any family to learn and see great results in the shortest time possible
So what does PEII (pronounced Pei-ee) Blueprint really stand for?
P is for Positive Parenting Knowledge and skills in implementing parenting strategies consistently
E is for Effective use of community around you - bring back the village 2.0
I is for improving your family relationships
I is for improving how your family functions
This literally is the only 4 building blocks you need to know to have a harmonious family life in 90 days.
Let’s dive in a little more about what it really means.
P - Positive Parenting Knowledge and skills in implementing parenting strategies consistently. There is much literature providing various meanings in positive parenting, but I like Godfrey’s (2019) interpretation the best, she suggested that “positive parenting is about teaching and disciplining our children in ways that build their self-confidence/self esteem and supports a respectful parent-child relationship without breaking your child’s spirit”.
But what does it really mean in reality, in your unique family’s circumstances and needs; how do you do this in real life when your teen is literally driving you up the wall. It’s understandable that every situation escalates and every conversation could literally end up in an argument. There are indeed many parenting strategies you can try to help manage the challenges at home, but have you found that none of them stick or work sustainably for you? It is simply because knowing the strategies alone is not enough. There are a lot of variables that needs to be considered. (you can go back to my previous articles to find out why here)
Human behaviour is a complex matter. Everything you do or don’t do is driven by your past experiences. It is not always a conscious process. Truth to be told, about 85% of your behaviour is an unconscious process. Therefore, as a parent, it is really important for you to better understand yourself and why you parent your teens in certain ways. I have talked about your unique family blueprint and this covers your experiences of being parented as this is most likely to influence your parenting style, which subsequently affects how you parent your teens and their future happiness and success. (I did a recording on this and you can listen here)
Once you understand your parenting styles, you can then look at your own strengths as a person and in the parenting knowledge and skills areas, and strengthen the areas that you are struggling with. In my TTP Method, I identified the most important 5 elements in the knowledge area, including Availability (developing trust), Acceptance (building self-esteem), Collaboration (feeling included and effective, Boundaries (learning to be safe and making appropriate choices), Emotions (building emotional literacy and managing feelings) and Connection and affection (emotional bonding) . Learning to master these areas and having the skills to implement them successfully and consistently, will help you see the powerful and positive change in your home real soon.
E -Effective use of community around you - Bring Back The Village 2.0
I always say that it takes 2 villages to raise a teen, and this is in no way to undermine any parent.
I have worked with hundreds of families and almost 90% of them struggle with the concept of asking for help for many reasons, including I don’t want to bother other people, it’s my family business and no one needs to know, it’s embarrassing to ask because they will think I am not a good mum, they have a lot going on themselves…etc. This is an unhealthy mindset that probably originates from your culture, your family of origin, your experiences of asking and receiving help and so on. The reality is we all need help in life. We are wired to connect and it’s not possible for us to do everything on our own.
If you think about it, you are already using the village around you. There are 2 kinds of help - one is professional and one is social. You need both. For example, you send your teen to school so the teachers can help educate them, you go to your GPs when your teen is not well so the doctors can help with treatment, you ask your mum to collect your teen if you get caught up at work, and you probably send your teen to other family members or a sleepover at their friends when you need a bit of respite. See.. it can be very easy.
The most important thing is to recognise that you need help, learn how to identify what you need and seek help in ways that empower you. Having support makes parenting easier. We all share the experience of feeling bad about asking for help or not wanting to bother others. Later, people tell us that we should have reached out. Sound familiar?
I - Improving Your Family Relationships
Family relationships can be very complicated but at the same time it’s one of the most satisfying and fulfilling relationships for your teens and yourself. Do you remember when your teen was 3 years old, and their whole worlds revolved around you. They followed you everywhere and listened to your instructions. However, things change when they enter adolescence. They have become their own people and are no longer that wee girl or boy who followed you everywhere. This is the hardest part of being a parent to a teenager. It’s not about your feeling that your teens don’t need you because they do. It’s the adjustment of your teens having their own thoughts and minds. You may find them disagreeing with you, back chatting, not doing what they are told, arguing with you and so on. These little things create ruptures in relationships with your teen, and if you don’t repair them or show your teen how to repair a relationship, your relationship with your teen can continue to deteriorate.
Therefore, learning about how we form and repair relationships when there's a breakdown or fall out is imperative for creating a happier family life. Your teens learn from you so it's important you learn to model how you form healthy relationships and how you repair when there's a rupture. We all have an internal working model around how we form and repair relationships. It's important to know what they are. In addition to this, creating a nurturing home environment helps everyone in the family to thrive, and strengthen family relationships. Let’s not forget the importance of promoting positive communications, and expressing affections in ways that can be received as individuals and a family are also powerful skills to master. They will help improve any relationships at home.
I - Improving How Your Family Functions
I became a wife in May, 2023, and it’s a new role I am adopting. It changes my responsibilities too. It's like every family - There are different roles and responsibilities. When everyone in the family is clear with their roles and responsibilities, it stops a lot of unnecessary arguments, i.e.
who's taking the bin out every Sunday
who's speaking to the school about the stuff your teen is struggling with
who's making dinner every night
You have no idea how often me and my husband-to-be got into small arguments like this when we first moved in together. We now work well as a team and know exactly what we all need to do. It strengthens our relationship. Hence he proposed. This is one of the very important areas in order for a family to function well.
Next is about your family’s ability to problem solve together. If you are able to, it fosters unity and cooperation and respect. Sometimes we are stuck in a cycle because we don't know how to move forward or are unaware what's causing us to be stuck. It is therefore helpful to gain understanding of our family life journey to help you move forward from unhelpful cycles and function better as a family unit.
Finally, boundary is another important factor to be considered as well as control. There are physical boundaries such as family rules, and emotional boundaries. For your family to thrive, you need both. You also need to find the balance between boundaries and control to allow your family to function at its best.
I did my best to make sure each part is as concise as it can be, and you can clearly see that it is not easy for your family to navigate this without input from an EXPERT if you are struggling to parent your troubled teens who get stuck in patterns of challenging behaviour. Where do you even start?
Good news is I can be that EXPERT for you. I can show you how to work through these 4 building blocks with ease and success as part of my TTP method and help you solve all difficult family problems.
Remember, 🌈there's always hope, endless hope
Pei-I, Parenting and teen challenging behaviour specialist @ Rainbow Parenting Practice
I empower high-achieving mums to help their troubled teens who get stuck in patterns of challenging behaviour with ease, success and have a harmonious family life in 90 days, using TTP method - the quickest, the most effective and sustainable pathway to strengthening your family connections and changing your family story.
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