I am feeling pretty stuck with my fitness and weight loss journey right now. đ
Itâs not because I havenât got the time to eat healthy or do my exercise, although I keep telling myself to do it..
âSo⌠why am I feeling stuck if these basics are not the problems for me??
I will come to this laterâŚ
There seems to be a theme of stuckness everywhere I turned this week.
There was someone feeling stuck about how to help a child, how to parent and connect with their teens, how to improve the relationships and how to co-parent better and with more ease.
You must have felt that stuckness at some point when parenting your teen, when facing relationship challenges, when thinking about your family and so on.
Have you ever wondered why you are stuck with the family problems and unable to find solutions going forward?
Based on my experiences and observations, h
Here are my thoughts on the why parents get stuck with the challenges at the family home.
¡ Fear of the consequences: A lot of young people will up the ante to get what they want. đ If I ground her today, she might hurt herself, or she might trash the house. If itâs the case, itâs understandable that parents are worried about the outcome of their decisions and actions. If parents donât have the right parenting strategies, using the right approaches in situation like this, of course, the cycle continues and can look like this âŚ
There could be many circular cycles happening in your family if you pay attention to them.
What would help: Identify the cycle ( you can use the diagram above to help you), and think about which part of the cycle you need to address to break the cycle easier. From the example I gave above, I will focus on identifying effective strategies to manage self harming and violence so that behaviour is not reinforced through the negative cycle.
¡ Fear of change â there is a thing called familiarity, and for real, you can be so stuck in the challenges and hardship you have been facing because of this very reason. Itâs your comfort zone, you have learned to live with the discomfort and the unpleasant challenges, you have also learned how to manage these challenges the best you can even itâs chipping your soul away everyday. Stepping out of this is scary â a new territory of feeling good, and feeling that your family is in a good place, or your teen is doing well⌠these new feelings are scary and unknown to you.
What would help: Questions you can ask yourself are â what are the risks if things remain the way they are? Who would be affected? To what extend?, What are the benefits if you make change? who would be affected and benefited from the change? You can then weigh up.
¡ Fear of failure - what if you try again but things still donât change? what does it say about me as a parent and my family? Itâs safer to keep the status quo. It is to protect yourself from feeling like a failure.
What would help: reflect on â what would happen to your family, to your relationship and to your teens if you continue to decide not to take actions or make change in order to protect yourself from feeling like a failure?â what are the risks of not making change? Who else are you protecting apart from yourself? If you have more time, think about where this fear of failure originates from â when you have understanding, you can make change.
¡ Giving away the control â what I am about to say is probably going to be a really difficult thing to hear because itâs about you taking control about the change you can make and taking responsibility for your part as a parent. When you expect others or your teens to change, you are giving away the control. You are also being unrealistic of your expectation of your teens and others. If your teens know how to make better decisions, they would have already done so. They are like apprentices; they need training to learn life skills and to learn how to be a grown up. It is your responsibility as a parent to set them up for success.
What would help: Regain control by adjusting your expectation and changing your mindset about itâs your teen that needs change. They will change when you change. Itâs a ripple effect. Think about the things you can control and do small things everyday to regain that control.
¡ Mis-identifying the nature of the problem and goals â This is the reason why I am stuck with my weight loss. My problems are not about eating healthy or exercising. Deep down, I know I donât need to lose weight and I donât need to get fitter. My problem is they are not my goals but someone elseâ so I feel stuck. Itâs the same for your family, you can easily get stuck if the family members donât have a shared understanding or agreement on what the problems and goals are, you are pretty stuck because itâs like me speaking French when I was in Paris, nobody understood me. Ha.
What would help: Call a family meeting to think about what everyone thinks about the problems are and invite them to establish goals and solutions.
In short: Find out what makes you stuck, get to understand yourself and your fears. no matter what reasons they are, trying to take small steps to make positive change everyday is the only way for you to be able to work towards to watching your teens thrive and living in a harmonious family life.
There are no alternatives.
Be courageous. âş
I am exhausted writing this blog, you must be feeling the same too.
Now go get yourself a cup of tea or coffee.
You can always come back to ponder on these things.
Warmly
Pei-I, Parenting and Teen challenging behaviour specialist @ Rainbow Parenting Practice
P.S. I empower high-achieving mums to help their troubled teens who get stuck in patterns of challenging behaviour with ease, success and have a harmonious family life in 90 days using TTP Method. The quickest, most effective and most impactful method to strengthen your family connections and change your family story.
If you would like to experience impactful and immediate positive change at home, start with your Raising Thriving Teens 5 Day Mini Taste? Book here
Until then, Remember
đThereâs always hope, endless hope
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